Slam Poetry

Thunderhead by Matt Shalvatis
I want to write (and perform) slam poetry,
to transform the anger and hurt and frustration in me
into beautiful words that hit the air with rhythm,
and slide away,
leaving only awe and ions in the air in their wake,
like the feeling after a summer thunderstorm,
but I've no bravery for performance,
and the words don't come like I wish they would;
so half a poem on the internet -
no rhyme, no meter, no rhythm -
is as far as it ever gets...

~ Diana *BunnyKissd* Bukowski

Update? What's that?

Hey, what, so you want a real update? Like what's going on? Sure I can do that... Anything to avoid the Chemistry....

I feel like we've been on the go since before school started this fall... My stepfather died in August, right after I started my 3rd semester at WGU, the day after my gift-grandson was born. We made many trips to & from Syracuse amidst all the change, helped a friend with a drag show, and near the end of September we cleaned out my mom's attic and brought home a lot of boxes to go through. (Some are still waiting patiently.) Always trying to find the joy in each moment...

At the beginning of October, we took a short trip to NYC to visit our friend, RH Cooper, and spent a wonderful day visiting Rockaway Beach. Who knew such beauty existed so close to the city!? I didn't... Oh, we also got to shop at Trader Joe's for the first time, and took a walk through Queens for take out! Thanks, Reid, for a lovely time!

Photo by , minor editing by moi...

After that we adopted another Guinea pig from FreeCycle to be a friend to our little Allie McBeal: Babykins. And just before Halloween we went in costume to a Halloween-Birthday Party at Jacqueline's sister's house and had a great time. Lots of games and food and fun...

Rocker Chick, Ghoul, Witch, Witch's Apprentice, Nickelback ( XD ), and Reverse Dutch Rabbit

Then we headed to TENNESSEE! And didn't even get visit our friend theFrugal Pixie; we were on the other side of the state... -_- BUT we did get to meet a lot of great unschoolers! The kids had a blast and made lots of new friends, and Jacqueline & I got to relax in a gorgeous cabin, with gorgeous surroundings, and not worry about people judging us for ANYTHING.

Our Cabin's View

Then we had a little time to breathe.... except for all the boxes still needing to be unpacked and sorted from Mom's attic... and the boober-head Benji needing changing and feeding and attention... and the Chemistry... >.< But then it was Thanksgiving, and time to stuff ourselves silly! Oh, yeah, we already were silly...

Amused by my dropping back & taking pics, the group decides to "moon" me... but they forgot part...

We got our first snow that stuck on December 1st, but it was gone by noon (It snowed once before but didn't even get the ground white...), and on the 5th we headed to Aunt Jenny's again for her annual holiday party...

Sadly, Babykins got sick that night and passed away. At least we were able to give her a few months of happiness, with a bigger cage, lots of toys, a better diet, and a best friend who she was cuddled next to when she crossed over...

RIP Baby

But we still need to find joy the joy in the moment, and part of that is getting ready for the holidays! Since there's no spare money to buy a tree, and no room for a full sized one, we went and found a nice small one in our woods. Jacqueline & the kids decorated it yesterday, while I ignored my Chemistry some more...

And Jacqueline has been a baking fool and made all kinds of goodies! Gingerbread with homemade whipped topping, glazed gingerbread cookies, and even a carb free brownie for me made from almond flour & topped with cheesecake! Yum!

Of course there is still the ever present Chemistry, and worrying about money, and trying to help my dad, and trying to find time to be with friends, and giving the kids opportunities to have fun, and finding time to connect with each other, and meeting our own needs for solitude... Finding the balance isn't always easy, and I struggle a lot with guilt and feeling judged and perhaps a bit isolated by my own *busy-ness* if you know what I mean, but I keep trying...

Waning quarter moon through trees and clouds

Like Nike said, Just Do It

So lately I've been thinking about what I want to *do* in my life. You know, that thing that you introduce yourself as when meeting people, answering the question, "So what do you do?" And I've come to understand that the thing we should all be answering with is the thing that brings us the great joy in our life, our passion, whether or not it's the thing that bring us the most money.

Like for me, I've put it on my profile that I'm "sometimes disguised as a substitute teacher" but sometimes, most times, that's all I ever talk about with people. I never talk about the thing that makes my heart swell, and it's always the thing that I relegate to the back burner in times of stress. I still feel guilty about liking it, like it's just kids' stuff, I'm only playing around, goofing off when I do it...

But isn't that what makes us all smile the widest, goofing off? Isn't that when we all should feel our best, when we're having fun?

And I think zenhabits may have written about this before, which would have planted the seed for me to start changing my thinking, but this morning I got this:

Diana, I love this job! You know, writing you every day.

Do you know how I got it?

No, besides being the Universe and getting whatever I want.

Yes! I just started doing it.

And that's all anything takes.

The Universe

P.S. Of course it'll feel funny at first, Diana, might even look funny, but how badly do you want what you want?

And it hit me. Just start doing it. Perhaps if your passionate, joy-bringing thing is something like flying a plane, you can't *just do it* but creating art... calling myself an artist, and actually *DOING* that, instead of wallowing in guilt and self-doubt, putting it off when I'm stressed about money... I *can* just do it!

So, I am going to back to making something every day, because to me, that's what an artist does, even if it's just a few quick sketches...

Circle of Life

One thing ends and another begins. My 38th year ends, my 39th begins. One semester ends, another begins. Summer winds down, the harvest kicks off. My step-father's life ends, and my gift-daughter's son is born.

Circle of life; wheel of the year; tick of the clock... It never stops...

It's been a busy month, a crazy fortnight, and a very surreal week....

Maybe someday I can find the time to write more coherently about it...

Rambling

Lisa Swifka recently posted a poem on her blog, My Life on a To Do List, and I read it and thought, "Oh. My. Gosh! She's been watching me!" LOL! Seriously though, I've been feeling exactly the same...

A lot of my online time is spent surfing around, while ideas percolate in my head, not yet fully formed, but leaving me antsy, and vaguely not satisfied. When school was in and I was working daily, there wasn't enough time to write or draw or paint, and now... I can't seem to get things done because of this fog in my head of half-formed ideas...

One of the half-formed ideas in my head is about blogging. It's been feeling like a chore, and my posts, hollow. I love doing my Mosaic Monday Bunday and TiLT posts, and all the other little things are fun too, but not every day of every week! Know what I mean? I think you do! Maybe you noticed the *BWO* button over in my sidebar? I've been striving toward that more: Blogging Without Obligation. Check it out; she makes sense!

But I still find myself avoiding writing, or giving up and delete half-written posts. And I censor myself. I hate that I do that. I am so afraid of being judged. I have to be happy & cheery and don't throw anything questionable out there. Never show anything too personal because *someone* might be reading: an ex, a neighbor, a future boss, a student...

BUT WHY? Why do I need to be liked by everyone? Do I need to worry if talk about loving my girlfriend or worshiping a different way? What if I talk about dating or being poor? These are things that make up who I am. And if I leave them out, am I really being true to myself? Am I being *Authentic* as Brené Brown would say? I think I am not.

So, why post all this? As a warning to you? That things might be changing? I might shock you with my unconventional and controversial lifestyle! Perhaps, but I wrote this more for myself. I'm sure I'll be doing the usual happy posts like Monday Bunday (<3), but don't be surprized if I start showing more of *me* here too...

iTC: Tuesday, February 24th

Goals:

1. Take one step towards safety.


2. Create something every day.

So how did I do?

Take one step towards safety:
Yesterday was an awful day for me emotionally. I spent a lot of the day trying to distract myself and crying when I couldn't. Without Jacqueline I likely would have gotten in bed and stayed there as long as I could. I really did nothing to move us toward safety, as dealing with my emotions was as much as I could handle...

Create something every day:
In an effort to pull myself out of the funk I was in, and perhaps further distract myself, I started painting some of the clay pieces I created over the weekend. Nothing's finished but they are coming along...

So, how did you do?

The iCiNG Transformation Challenge is brought to you by Gala Darling!

Fancy Nancy

Last night I got very cross. I have a lot of worries and no control over them at the moment. So I was very grumpy and trying not to be, because I know the people around me are *not* the cause of my frustrations. For some reason I was up very late and couldn't concentrate on the book I am reading when I got into bed. So I went searching for some lighter reading. I found Fancy Nancy by Jane O'Connor, illustrated by Robin Preiss Glasser. Yes, illustrated; it's a children's book, but let me tell you: Every book should have as much glitter on the cover - or more! - as this book does! And it's a beautiful iridescent glitter too. That alone helped alleviate my mood. Or perhaps it was my conversation with Jacqueline.

Bunny: (spoken sternly, remember I was grouchy) This book is *covered* with glitter!
Jacqueline: (looking for a solution with positivity) I'm sorry. Do you want me to scrape it off for you? I could glue it back on before we return it.
Bunny: (still gruff) No! Why would you want to do that?
Jacqueline: (almost laughing now) Well its presence seems to offend you...
Bunny: (sulkily) No. It's embossed on and I *like* glitter.

Or something like that anyway... Absurd!

Then I read the book. Obviously the book stars Nancy, who likes to make things fancy. Tiaras, feather boas, jewelry, bows... The first thing she does is make her room fancy, and it just reminds me of what I used to do... And still try to do, only a little less chaotically. Flowers, posters, lights, color, dangly things... And her favorite color is fuchsia (a fancy word for purple) and she even has fuchsia hair mousse (it's on the grocery list!). So many of the things she does resonate with me...

However, her family is a little boring: jeans & tees, very little color... So she gives them fancy lessons and gets them all fancied up! In celebration they decide to go out to eat all dressed up. It's so silly and wonderful and magical! I won't give away the details, but there is an accident, and Nancy wants to go home. And when they do, Nancy gets into her bathrobe and looks. Just. Like. Me! And the end of the book is just so sweet...

More books need to be written like this! More glitter, more fancy, more sweetness!

And it improved my mood...

Randomness!

I don't know why I am so tired lately... Maybe my BG is all out of whack. I wouldn't be surprised; I've been getting up so late and not taking my meds when I should...

I was offered the opportunity to *apply* for a position in a small special education school teaching science. It would mean interning in Special Ed in addition to the Science I'm already doing. I don't know if I want to do Special Ed, but it seems like all schools want people certified in it. I personally think it should be a part of our regular education, all the special modifications and things to watch for... One course out of all the courses we take hardly seems enough...

I crave variety and different cultures, but I am so scared of stepping outside my own little world... I'm scared to even leave my house some days; how crazy is that!? The books I've been choosing to read have been full of stories of mermaids and places like India and the Middle East; the music I've been listening to is drum-heavy and tribal, or full of singing I can't understand, but that resonates in me... I want to walk with sand between my toes, sun in my eyes, and the smell of the ocean in my nose; bright colored, flowing clothing on the people around me...

But then I think of the green waters of my own lakes and rivers, the warm rocks in the sun; I see the trees turning golden, the fields yellow and purple, knowing that soon everything will be yellow and orange and red and brown; the crisp scent of FALL will be in the air, and then... icy mornings, crunching to the car, noses red with the cold, bundling up in boots and coats... And I ACHE, my heart hurts, my throat closes, my eyes tear up, just THINKING about missing it for even one moment! INSANE!

Ok.... enough babbling...

My List

See that list?  See where I left off?  I ran out of steam and never posted my 365 pic last night...  So after I wake up a bit more - yes I know it's almost noon, but I've been staying up entirely too late - I'll post that, and we have some pics for Faerie Gardens Family Fotoblog. Then it's a chat for school, then cleaning off this desk and working on some art... :::sigh::: I better get started!

BREATH DEEP

OMG right now I have so much to do! And I am so not organized! How did this happen??? My desk is like covered with piles a foot deep! The kitchen table is covered with half-finished craft projects! I have a bunch of *modules* to work on for school! I have a bunch of chats and conference calls and phone calls I'm scheduled to do, but I haven't got them written where I can see them! GAH! I need a list! OMG!!! *hyperventilates*

What a day! Or two!

Monday was not a good day. The weekend had been unbearably hot, and Monday was just as bad. Schools are not generally air conditioned up here. The computer lab, staff room, and offices usually are though. Work wasn't too bad though. I was in the middle school and had only 3 blocks to teach. I had a class in the morning, followed by a break. The room hadn't gotten too hot for that block, and the break in the lounge actually chilled me; so going back to the room was nice. Then I had another class, followed by another little break, and the last block of the day was an awards ceremony in the air conditioned auditorium. Very nice; we even got cookies and lemonade afterward. ^_^

After work, the heat was terrible, and since I had to go to Wal-mart to pick up my prescriptions, we decided we would all go and spend some time browsing in air conditioned comfort. On the way home, I put my last $3 in the gas tank. (Thank heavens payday is tomorrow!) We came home to find a note in the door from the LL asking us to call, but before we could even get the BombPops in the freezer, he and "his daughter's boyfriend" pulled up. He complained to us about the lawn not being mowed and a bunch of other petty things, and I complained back to him about his not calling first, even refuting his claim that he "couldn't find" our number: phone book, information, our checks??? *livid* And I stood up to him about other things too, which really surprized me... Of course, it left all of us upset for the rest of the night and we didn't sleep well from the aftermath, heat, and worry...

Since the LL claimed he was coming on Tuesday to make some repairs, I stayed home from work so Jacqueline wouldn't have to deal with him alone. About 11 the sun disappeared and the wind picked up and it started to thunder and lightning. It wasn't long before the sky opened and the rain poured down! Of course this meant the LL would likely not be coming, but it also knocked out our phone (digital) and internet (high speed) for several hours. The sky cleared but the temps stayed cool and our cable came back on, just in time for Lia & Ant to be called to their friends' to play. We made them take umbrellas and warned them that because of the gas situation they'd be on their own for getting home, or would need to stay put til the storm passed if it started up again. And it did, but not nearly so bad. However, bad enough to take out our power, only about 10 minutes after getting our cable back! ;-;;;

After Esme gloated for about a half an hour because the laptop had battery power and she could still play on it, the battery ran dead and the 4 of us, Esme, JoAnn, Jacqueline, and I, all played Trivial Pursuit 90s, which is HARD since neither Jacqueline nor I kept that much on trends and news and things in the 90s (even less so now I think) and the girls were only babies! LOL! But we ended when everyone had one pie piece (I was the last sadly), and Jacqueline & I did some reading before it got too dark. Then we headed outside to hear a bird better (which we never did hear) and then had another temporary crisis when we came back in that I'm just not gonna go into... it's over.

Today is a new day. The sun is out. The weather is temperate. And everything is going to be OK.

Promise, 6/10/08

Blogging for money

So I've added google ads and project wonderful to my side bars and it was painless.

However, I have been trying to get my blog approved through payperpost since LAST JUNE and it has been the biggest pain in the butt. One delay after another, then I finally could submit it to be approved again, only to have it denied because they felt it didn't meet the requirements. I went through their TOS, couldn't find out why, asked for more details so I could correct it, only to have someone reply that they couldn't see why either and they approved me. Then I took an opportunity for that glass tile place, a place I really would buy from which is why I haven't deleted the damn thing, and when I try to submit it, they say my blog isn't qualified! &(**%&%$%#()*(%^$!!!!!!!! Even worse, when I went to go and try and figure out why, I decided to delete my LJ from their accounts (because it shows as eligible for some opps when the blog I am using isn't), and I wound up deleting the wrong account! GAH!!! So now I have to go through the approval process all over again... *headdesk*

SocialSpark is just as frustrating. I can't find any info on why I'm not qualified to take opps and I can't find any info on how I get paid and when.

And ChaCha? I'm supposed to take tests to qualify, and when I follow the links to the tests, they tell me the email address is already registered. Duh. To me. Then I try to log on and I can't find the place to take the tests. I send a plea for help. They send me a place to log in for the tests, but my password is invalid and there's no place to get it reset. Again I ask for help and I get a link to have it emailed to me. What happens then? It says, "Sorry, we couldn't find your account." Shoot me.

So here it is Thursday and I'm just waiting for them all to get they're acts together so I can make some money to make up for being forced to take this week off...

*deep breath* Everything. Will. Be. O. K. Everything will be ok. Everything-will-be-ok, everythingwillbeok, everythingwillbeokeverythingwillbeokeverythingwillbeok....

Maintenance & responsibility

I spent most of today doing general maintenance to my websites. I have tagged all the entries here, and cleaned up some settings here and on LJ. I even signed up for some other sites, but am still waiting on approval for them...

I'm a bit upset that more than half my vacation is gone and I haven't had the chance to do the things I really wanted because I spent the last 2 days helping my dad out, and will have to go out on Fri & Sat too. I was hoping to just lounge around all week and play around rearranging the bedroom, organizing my stuff, cleaning up the yard... I suppose I could have on Sat and Sun, or today and tomorrow, but we had planned on going out and it wasn't until later in the day that we decided not to. :\

Meh. No one's fault, just feeling discontent, like everything is always rushed and there is no time to sit & relax anymore because it's either work or helping someone else or running the usual errands...

I really am just a homebody and want to stay home 95% of the time...

My day thus far...

Last night I was trying so hard to do the right thing. Lights out at 11pm so I could get a full 8 hours sleep by 7 when the alarm was set for Es to go to work. Then I could get up and enjoy a quiet morning with Jacqueline before taking her to work. I finished my chapter at 11:14, shut the lights out, and fell asleep. At 11:48, Bunny requested noisily that I let her out. At 12:13, I was itching so bad that I had to get up and run the bites under icy water to make it stop; then again 3 more times before the alarm went off. Even calm breathing and imagining a force field pushing the itchies out didn't work... :( Then I had dreams... the kind of dreams that make me miss people I don't know that I ever want to see again... I woke up late, almost 12 hours later. Sore and cranky. Jacqueline cuddled with me a tiny bit even though she was running late because she forgot to make herself a dinner and made me feel better.

Showered, dressed, took her to work, got a cheap cola on the way home and even filled my tires with air. (Yes, some people only worry about gas, I worry about the air and oil too...) Once home, I caught up with my email & LJ and started on some dishes! JoAnn cleaned the counters and stove while I did that and she really did a great job! Then I made myself some brunch (an Italian pasta salad with chicken, lots of veggies and a little cheese), did more dishes, and then had some ice cream which I gave 1/2 of to Jo. Meanwhile, Es & Ant have gone to Sam's, Lia is already there playing with Jordan, and as soon as JoAnn is showered and ready, she's going too... Wow. I'll be alone. I plan to blast my music, wash dishes, and clean off my desk! So, since JoAnn is on her way now, here I go! ^_^

Procrastination

This is me... avoiding all the cleaning that needs to be done before the party on Saturday... We have laundry in... the kitchen & laundry room are clean... the living room is a disaster area and so are the kids' rooms... I should be moving... delegating... washing... neatening.... organizing... but all I want to do is organize the music I have on my computer... And even that isn't exciting... maybe I am hungry... blah... Someone snap me out of this...

Why am I awake so late???

I had fallen behind in my LJ reading and took some time tonight to catch up. I've been sleepy for hours but I had to read...

I don't know what's wrong with me lately; my moods are so all over the place. One moment I am happy as all heck, seeing how things are falling into place & improving, how I am changing behavior patterns I developed so long ago, how all this positive thinking is really working dammit! And the next I am allowing myself to be brought down by memories of those people I've let walk out of my life, or drove out, or left...

And then I am filled to the brim with love for my girlfriend, the wonderful family we have, the life we're building... and then I get sad because there is something missing and things aren't perfect yet... And then I ask myself, what the fuck am I doing??? And I breathe deep and try and let all the negativity out, and get back to that good place... Crazy... yes... I am...

And now I am going to bed... I have had enough...