Friday, April 02, 2010

Stupid Anxiety *kicks*

I can't believe how long it's been since I posted here...

I'm not perfect. No one is. I am trying my best though. And that's true of everyone. Sometimes it gets hard to remember that. That everyone is doing their best. We all have past experiences that affect how we react to things. We're all doing the best that we can with what we've been handed in life. Sometimes things don't turn out how you planned, and you deal with that as best as you know how.

I know things went wrong with my plans: Married by 22, baby at 24, a housewife, maybe more when the kids went to school, but... well... the man I wanted to marry didn't see me as good enough to marry (or at least that's how it felt), then I couldn't have children with the man I did marry... It took me decades to get my bachelor's and after 3 years of subbing, I'm not sure I want to teach. But all the student loans... I need to pay them back somehow...

I don't know how I pictured my relationship with my family, but I am sure the way things are right now is *not* it. All the strained conversations trying to read in between the lines and figure out what they really mean and why they're not just saying it. None of it is made any easier with my social anxiety.

Yes. There. I said it. The phone, it makes my hear race, my hands shake, and my body fills with adrenaline. Making a call, or expecting one... I hate going to work. Sunday nights, or the night before work after a bunch of days with no calls, I can't sleep. That first day I come home and practically fall right into bed to sleep until morning because I am so worn out from dealing with controlling the panic in school. Stupid, isn't it?

And now, I dread talking to my dad, or grandmother, or aunt because of all the miscommunication - or non-communication. Conversations seems polite on the surface, but it feels like things are being left unsaid, like I'm being judged for doing or not doing things the way they expect and assume I should. And I feel like it's all my fault because I can't pick up the phone and have a normal conversation. Or go visit regularly.

But I am doing the best that I can. And I only *feel* this way. Unless it's been said to me, I shouldn't assume anything. Everyone is just doing the best that they can. No one is intentionally out to hurt anyone. I just wish I could remember that and stop panicking all the time...


  1. Sorry to hear you're going through a rough time, hang in there! Have you seen a doctor about your anxiety? There are meds that can help. If going to work is so difficult you may want to look into seeing if you qualify for disability income (SSI/SSDI?).

    I met a guy once on a message board who had such a crippling case of anxiety and depression that he couldn't leave his house for about eight years! Try not to be too hard on yourself; find some ways to pamper yourself, it sounds like you need it. I think we all do, sometimes.

  2. Seriously consider treating the anxiety as a medical illness rather than a behavioral issue.

    I've had panic disorder since I was 27 (I'm 51 now) and because I didn't want to acknowledge it as an illness, it's evolved into panic disorder with agoraphobia. The good news is, that with a great support system of family, friends, and medical professionals, I've found a program of medication and cognitive skills that works for me.

    You don't have to go through what you're going thru. Feel free to contact me directly if you ever want to talk to someone who's "been there."

  3. Thank you both for your advice. I am one of those lucky folks who make too much money to qualify for the state health insurance, but nowhere near enough to pay for doctors and antidepressants. And even if I could pay for the meds, the ones that I have taken in the past, had side effects that were worse than the anxiety (allergic to one, dizzy spells with another, disconnected from all emotion with another...). I am doing the best that I can right now with what I have available to me.


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